I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT IT HURTS
by SilverLine3
Summary: When Caroline turn her emotions on, her actions in the past few weeks start to sink in and she becomes more vulnerable to the world around her resulting in pushing Stefan away from her. Stefan on the other hand is more determined than ever to win her back.
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

"Caroline, we are not going anywhere you know, even if you try to throw us away." Bonnie said softly.

Something cringed inside Caroline after hearing this. She was happy that Bonnie made out of the so called Never Land, but then at the same time she remembered how she acted on the news of her return. Regardless of her emotions she shouldn't have done that, she knew she had control on herself but she did spiraled.

"Yeah it's going to be just three of us, like old days." Elena said from behind. Caroline gave her a faint smile remembering how she was there for her on the day of funeral and in return she snapped her neck. Guilt! That's what she was feeling right now for treating her two best friends so badly.

"Okay. Just to be clear I am not in a mood of a board game." She said smiling sadly. They all hugged each other with a feeling that, finally they all are together at home.

Stefan was sitting on the sofa when Damon came blabbering some snarky comments to which he didn't bothered to give any attention to.

"Hey brother I don't have a habit of talking to myself, so answer to my question. Why the hell are you still doing here?" asked Damon impatiently. He has seen his brother in pain when Caroline switched off her emotions. Stefan blamed himself for Caroline's cause, and so most of the time he was annoyed with everyone, and all that anger he was feeling for himself project out to the whole world around him. Damon has never seen his brother react like this before. If it's his faults, he always kept his guilt and anger to himself. But, it felt like Stefan was a different person, with and for Caroline. He showed more human emotions with her than with anyone else- Protectiveness, Fondness, Anger, Guilt, Annoyance, confusions about what to do or what to say , which Damon in these 160 years, have never seen his brother doing. Stefan always knew what to do and to do the right thing, but when it comes to Caroline he becomes vulnerable.

"I am still here because Caroline is shutting me out. I tried to talk to her but she just comes out with a stupid excuse and goes with Elena or Bonnie." He said half drunk. He has been drinking to suppress his anger and sadness on himself for treating her like this and pushing her away every time. This time he has pushed her away too much, that he is not even able to reach out to her. Damon just stared at him knowing that Stefan isn't finished yet.

"I went to Bonnie's house today, but then Caroline came and told me since it's a girls night I am not allowed and shoved me away." He sighed, thinking something, or anything to get hold on her but his mind was all blank.

"Well it will not happen if you tell her the truth about your feelings, brother." said Damon pointing the fact.

"You think I don't know this." Stefan raised his voice listening to the truth his brother was throwing on him. He calmed himself down before speaking again. "I just don't know how to stop her from running away from me. I think... I think she hates me." Stefan said trying to stop the little tears that were coming out from side of his eyes.

"Well, brother I can't tell you how to get to her, but if she is so important for you, it has to be you who have to fight for her. She kept her feeling out for you on the table, and she still thinks that she is just going to get the rejection. She won't do it again, and plus she put a gun on you when you tried to turn her emotions on. So, as much as I know her, it's her guilt and pain talking and so her brain is telling her to avoid you. "Damon said calmly hoping that his brother would come up with some idea. Stefan just looked at him feeling more determined than ever to get into action to win her.

"You know if you would have given a wrong advice again I would have killed you." said Stefan remembering how he got more confused after talking to Damon about his feelings for Caroline. "But, you are right and I do have to fight for her. I am not losing her again because of my incapability to describe my feelings for her." said Stefan and started walking up the stairs.

"And where are you going right now?" Asked Damon looking at her brother giving no insight on what he is up to.

"Getting some sleep. It's going to be a long day tomorrow." said Stefan from upstairs. "And I have a plan to execute." He said smiling to himself when he started imagining Caroline's face in his head shining like a star.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER- 2

"Guys, we didn't came out on picnic just so you can do things which you do at your house, and by that I mean sitting and playing video games." said Caroline a little annoyed, looking at her friends all hooked up with their gadgets. Caroline likes everything to be perfect and organized and go with the schedule she makes. When she turned around to make her friends have some fun, they were gone and nowhere to be found. She looked around her in confusion. "Uh, guys, if this is some way of pulling some prank on me, let me tell you, it's not working." she said laughingly. However, she did felt some fear inside herself. She was walking in the woods looking for everyone. And then she saw someone out there, standing still.

"Hey, do you need any help." Caroline asked the girl who was standing in the shadows. Suddenly the girl started laughing hysterically. The girl turned around to be face to face with Caroline. Caroline was horrified to see the girl. She was looking at a girl with hunger burning in her eyes, blood dripping on the side of her mouth. On the ground there were piles of bodies covered with blood groaning in pain. She was looking at her dark self.

"Are you sure I am the one who needs help?" said her dark self, tilting her head.

"No, this is not happening. You are… You are not real... I... I turned my humanity back." Caroline stammered backing from the person she never wanted to be.

"You can never run from me Caroline. You think that I am gone. But, I will always follow you. This is the real you Caroline." Her dark self said gesturing toward herself. "Admit it that you liked being the monster. And you will always be the monster. I will always haunt you for the rest of your eternal life."

Caroline didn't heard what her mirror self said next as she vamp sped away from the darkness. "It's just a dream, all I have to do is wake up." she thought to herself, but felt unable to do so. Nothing was in her control.

"You disgrace me Caroline. I hate the person you have become. "She saw her mom's face disgusted on her. Caroline stopped to look at her mom to convince her that she never meant to hurt other people, she just wanted her pain to be gone, but her words were choked into her throat.

She felt someone's hand on her shoulder. She turned around to see Stefan standing there.

"Do you need a snack?" He said bringing a head on his palms in front of her. Caroline gasped and almost fainted to see the ripper in charge.

"Oh my god, Stefan. What have you done?" She whispered disbelieving what she saw.

"This is all you. Just to bring you down to your senses I have to become the ripper. Are you happy now?" He said with a mischievous smile. Caroline couldn't believe what she was seeing right now. She never wanted this. She never wanted to be the reason to be the downfall of Stefan. "You have to turn it on. I can never let this happen to you" Caroline begged him.

"Well, I can't now, you know. You asked me to do this and I DID. I don't care about anything now. And even if I could feel anything, I will feel hate and disgust for you Caroline. You tried to kill my only living family, and you say you have feelings for me." Stefan said laughing.

Caroline tried to blank her mind. She couldn't hear all of this. It was killing her. She kept her hands on her ears to shut his voice out, but his laugh was piercing through her skin. And, then her eyes stopped on the head lying on the ground. It was Sarah's.

Caroline woke up shocked and shaking with fear. It was still dark outside. She say around her and found Bonnie and Elena sleeping soundly. She wished she can go back in time and stop herself from all of the things she did. She got out of the bed and went to the living room. Although she didn't killed anyone but she did considered humans as blood bags, hurt her friends, and above everything she hurt Stefan. The way she acted with Stefan made her feel like jumping off the roof right now. The only thing is, it won't take away the guilt she is feeling right now. Slowly, tears started to fall on her cheeks, and she cried all night silently without making any noise so that Elena won't hear her.

Next day when she woke up, she was wrapped in a blanket on the sofa. She looked for Elena and Bonnie, but they were gone. She started shaking in fear again feeling that the dream she had last night is haunting her again, but she found a note from Elena saying that they will wait for her in the dorm and be prepared for a surprise. She sighed and got dress up as soon as possible to get away from this place.

"Elena, I am so going to k..." Caroline stopped in the middle of the sentence while talking to Elena on the phone. KILL. She was going to say kill. "How can I think of killing someone?" She thought to herself.

"Caroline, are you still there?" asked Elena getting worried when she didn't heard anything from the other side.

'Huh? Yeah, I was saying that we could have gone together to Whitmore you know. This is Bonnie's house and you guys left me here without even waking me up." She said trying to calm herself.

"You were sleeping, so we didn't wanted to disturb you. Now come here soon. We are waiting here for you. "Elena said trying to cheer her friend, and smiling to herself with the idea when Caroline will see her gift of surprise. Someone is on a move today, and she hope that everything works out fine.

"I will be there soon." said Caroline while locking the door and heading towards her car. She sat in the car and when she saw in the rear-view mirror, she saw bloody red eyes staring at her. She almost jumped when she saw it again. She closed her eyes and started counting. Elena was right, this is going to haunt me forever. And for a vampire, forever literally means forever. She started her car to just reach at the dorm as soon as possible, but her car wasn't ignited.

"Car trouble." She heard a voice from her side. She stopped at her place. She didn't wanted to look at him, and remember what she did to him.

"Nothing I can't take care of." She replied without looking at him. She went to check the engine, and just stood there with her eye wide.

"What happened?" asked Stefan innocently.

"Some of my car parts are missing." Caroline said in disbelief. What the hell is happening?

Stefan looked at her reaction and tried to hide his smile. He knew too well what was happening. Step three of his plan was in action currently. First was to get Elena and Bonnie away from Caroline so that she won't have any kind of lame excuse and try to run away from him. So, he convinced Matt to convince Elena and Bonnie to decorate the dorm room for Caroline, to which even he was astonished that they convinced. Third, was to break her car. At first, he was going to just steal her keys, but then he knew Caroline too well and so he knew she will figure out to even hot-wire the damn car. So, he just removed some parts here and there. He was amused that she even noticed the missing parts. However, he was glad she didn't put these pieces together that her car was broken at the same time when he was present there.

"Uh, when did you drove this thing last time?" He asked to go for the next step.

"A while ago." she said sighing. "I will just call a cab." Caroline started dialing but then next thing she saw, her phone was in Stefan's hand. That was the moment when she saw him, and the all kind of feelings started flooding into her. Love for him, admiration for the person he is, guilt for treating so badly, pain for giving him so much pain, and she was lost in his eyes.

"Why would you go in a cab? My car is still working, so I can drop you. "He said in one beat.

No, she promised herself to stay away from him. "Um... Okay." she told him and almost cut her tongue for being so helpless when the matter concerns him. Stefan gave her a huge smile hearing her reaction. Seeing him smile brought a tiny smile on her lips too, but it stayed for a fraction. "I don't deserve his smiles." she told herself while sitting in the passenger seat.

"Caroline Forbes, I am never going to let you go away from me ever." He thought to himself, feeling a jolt of joy that he is going to spend the time with her finally.

"Next step in action." he whispered to himself so slow that she couldn't hear him.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER-3

It's been fifteen minutes since they had been on the road, and Caroline was suspiciously silent. Stefan was worried for her. She never stayed so quiet for more than one minute. Caroline was looking out of her window, ignoring the eye contact with him as much as possible. There was a war going on in her brain, struggling on propositions of the ways she can stay away from Stefan.

"So… have you decided on what classes you are going to take?" asked Stefan to break the silence.

"Not yet." Said Caroline keeping her eyes on the road.

"Um… So how was slumber last night?" asked Stefan

"Good." She decided to keep the talk to a minimum so by answering in one syllable was what she was going to do. She hoped that they reach Whitmore soon.

Stefan peeked at her and saw how sad she looked at that time. It was killing him. He wanted her to talk endlessly and laugh and smile the way she used to do, but she was not giving in for that.

"Um, why are we going in the wrong direction? Whitmore is on that side." Said Caroline looking at the change of route.

"I know, we will be taking the other route. That one is under construction." He lied and was relieved when she didn't argued. She bought it!

"So, the weather is good." He said after a while.

"Stefan." She called his name and he immediately looked at her as it was a long time since he heard his name from her voice, well the real Caroline's voice. It was so soothing to hear the name from her.

"You suck at small talks, so why even try." She said and scoffed at herself after the words came out of her mouth for breaking her rules of talking less.

He grinned before answering. "Well, you are not helping so I thought I will become Caroline for one day, and do the talking." He said smiling towards her.

"You shouldn't want to be me." She mumbled to herself occupied in her own thoughts.

"What do you mean?" asked Stefan confused with her reply.

"Nothing. Pretend I never said anything." She was so not in a mood of talking right now.

"I don't think I have to, you are doing your part." Stefan said a little irritated as how much he was trying she was not willing to break the walls.

"Yeah I totally deserve that tone." Said Caroline feeling that he is suppressing his anger for past actions and now it is coming out.

"Deserve? What are you talking about Caroline?" He asked Caroline impatiently. He had the impression that she hates him for the way he treated her on the funeral day but now, the way she was acting felt as if something else was going on in her mind.

Caroline was unable to react on the fact about how someone can be so nice to her even after trying to ruin his life.

She remembers the day when her humanity came back. Caroline forced Stefan to shut his humanity off and since Stefan has no choice since Sarah's life was on stake, he did it helplessly. And after that all he wanted was to ruin her life for doing this to her.

"_Let it go, Caroline." Said Stefan with a smile playing around his lips._

"_You are not my boss. You can't tell me what should I do." Said Caroline casually._

"_Well, I won't tell you… I will see that you lose that so- called control of yours. You don't have humanity so act like that… or else" he stopped to give her time to think about how dangerous he could be to her right. She looked at him and raised her eyebrows._

"_I am getting bored. I think I will just kill you." Said Stefan challengingly and then he threw a stake pointing on her ribs. Caroline remove the same piece of wood and aimed at him. They were playing a dangerous game. Anyone could have ended other's life. He grabbed Caroline and threw her on the floor. She agonized in pain but didn't give in. She found one of the gun Stefan brought with him and aimed directly at him._

"_You have messed up with a wrong girl, Stefan." She said pointing the gun at him. Stefan gave him a devilish smile and took a step forward towards her._

"_Do you really think that you can shoot me? You would have done it already if you had the guts to pull the trigger. But, you didn't, and that's because you are weak. You are weak for me." Said Stefan taking more steps toward her. "Admit it, you want this." Said Stefan giving her a smirk look. And the next thing was almost a blur in Caroline's head when Stefan's lips collided with her. The gun in her hands was replaced by Stefan. Heartbeat started to raise like a maniac, and then it was all there. Tears started to fall out of her eyes because she wanted this for so long. When Stefan felt the drops on his cheek his movement became slow, and they both pulled away. Stefan saw that there was a softness in her look and was confirmed that she was back. He gave her a relieved smile. Seeing him smile proved to Caroline that he was back too. They both turned it on at the same time._

Well, at least that's what Caroline thought what happened that day. She was unaware of the other part of the truth. It was all Stefan's plan and being the human- less ripper was the only way to keep an eye on her and bring her back. Stefan was losing her, and she was ready to go on any extent to get free from emotions. So, he decided to play it in her way.

When Caroline think about that day she feels sick about herself that she jumped into a make out session with him with no emotions. It wasn't right to do it in that way. Stefan would have never kissed her if he had his emotions on. He kissed her once and it was epic for her, but for him, all it did was to create confusions in his mind. He did said that he liked her, but she is unsure if she heard it right, or if he was saying it just to bring her humanity back, so she blocked out that memory from her mind. Only if she can block all other memories too.

Stefan's plan worked. He decided it in the blink of an eye to go for the root cause and pluck it out. Nobody other than him knew about his plan though. All he wanted was to flick the switch, but then he never knew how and when he started kissing her. He felt guilty for doing it the wrong way, but what haunted him the most was how to tell her the truth about this.

"How can you be so nice to me after all of this Stefan? I tried to kill Sarah. Don't say that you have already forgotten about that?" yelled Caroline. She couldn't take it anymore. She doesn't want to deserve the kindness he was showing towards her.

And then it clicked in Stefan mind why she was acting in this way. She was feeling guilty for the things she did to him. He has to tell her the truth about everything.

"Caroline listen…." He started but Caroline cut him in the middle.

"No, you listen. When I look in the mirror I see a monster, and I feel I have lost the power of controlling things. That was the only quality I had and that's why I was able to resist and move on with my life. I have hurt so many people, and mostly you. I tried to kill your only family Stefan." She started crying but didn't but kept on saying her mind out. "I… I made you the person you hate the most. Now look at me and tell me that you don't feel anger for me." She stopped. He looked at her intensely and replied "I don't feel any anger for you. I can never hate you Caroline, because you didn't do anything."

Caroline was confused at his reply. "Don't you dare say that it was not me? I was a monster."

"By that definition I should be the boss of monster, as I killed my own father." He tried to reason with her.

"That…. That was different. You were in transition and you didn't knew what was happening to you. But, once you got the control you never wanted to be that person and I turned you into one. I love you Stefan and the person who loves someone never harm their love ones. I love you so much that it hurts to see what I did to you." She said mostly talking to herself.

"Caroline you never did anything. You are…." After a second the words she spit out sink into his brain. "Did you just said you love me?" He asked her thinking how even without even thinking she still keeps her heart out in front of him.

Her eyes went wide when she heard what she said. "That's the only part you got from what I told you? What you should feel for me right now is, let me give you the list – hate, anger, disgust, and well you can check the thesaurus for that." She said breathlessly.

Stefan took a deep breath and was glad that she didn't hate him. But, he knew the moment he will the truth, she won't see his face again.

"Caroline, I can never feel all those things you listed out to me for you, because, you haven't done anything." He said but still was looking for a ray of courage to tell her the truth.

"You never turned it off, didn't you?" She figured it out after observing his facial expressions. He just nodded on that. She didn't know how to react on that. She was happy that she didn't pushed him off the rails, but there was a little bit of anger that he didn't said it sooner, so that she might have escaped the haunted nightmares she was having for past few days.

"Well, one thing to take out from my list of "Mistakes of my life". But, you cannot deny the fact that I did tried to kill Sarah. And if Elena wouldn't have reached on time, her murder would have been on my hands." She said crossing her arms in front of her.

Stefan sighed and closed his eyes for a second. It's now or never.

"About that… Liam was never going to kill her. When I met Liam before coming to the rave, I have compelled him to do as you say but never go for the final act. So, he wouldn't have killed her." He told her with a guilt of keeping it to himself for so long now.

She just looked at him in shock, unable to speak. And then, the anger that didn't surfaced before started to boil and burst the dam.

"Stop the car." She said gritting her teeth.

"Caroline we are in the middle of the road." This wasn't supposed to happen. It was not the part of his plan today.

She couldn't take it anymore. She wanted to calm herself down and wanted to run away from everything.

"Stop the car, or I will jump out of it." She said in a calm tone, but by the looks Stefan was sure that he messed it up big time by not telling her the truth the moment she turned it on.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Thank you guys for all your lovely comments and follows. It encourages me to write more and more. Let me know if this chapter was up to the bar, and I will try to update the next chapter as soon as possible.**

Chapter- 4

Caroline stormed out of the car with anger raising inside her, which she didn't know the reason to have it on the first place. She should have been happy that she didn't made him a ripper and plus she couldn't have killed Sarah even if she had tried to, but she felt this choking feeling inside her which was telling her to run away as far as possible.

"Caroline, wait….. What did I said wrong?" Stefan was out too, following her in the middle of the barren road. He wanted to tell her how he feels, how he wants her presence so much in his life that being without her is killing him each and every day.

"Just go away Stefan. I don't want to be around anyone right now. And that includes you." She said without even looking at him.

"Caroline, I know I should have told you everything sooner, but then your emotions were rising and then you shut me out, and I didn't have the chance to tell you about this." Stefan tried to put his point but it wasn't working. Caroline was walking in human speed and not with the vamp speed, as she was scared of her vampire side now, too scared, that her brain was still telling her that she did destroyed Stefan in spite of knowing the truth. And Stefan was just behind her, not daring to go and just block her.

"Caroline, please…" He stopped at his place, voice almost trembling. Listening to the pain in his voice made Caroline froze at her place, as if her brain was screaming at her for doing this to him yet again. She turned to face Stefan. They were ten feet away from each other. When he saw that now they were facing each other, he felt of jumping into the conversation and tell her how badly he wanted her to turn it on that he plot his ripper drama, but the words wanted to fall in the pits of his stomach. Caroline just stared at him, looking at him angrily.

"You really should have told me before." Caroline finally spoke. The silence was itching her brain out. "Do you have any idea, how am I feeling in these past few days. I am having nightmares about you being the ripper and killing Sarah, I blaming myself for everything which is happening now. I have lost faith in myself, I don't even want to see a mirror as it scares me to death that I will become her and will again try to ruin you." She said madly while her voice was increasing in volume with each words. "I am scared of my own shadow Stefan, because all this time I was thinking that I have hurt you. I started hating myself so much that I almost removed my ring from my finger and went into the sun." She said, angrily but the tears have started dropping from her eyes which she always tries drink in and never wanted to show anyone.

The moment she said her last line, Stefan was there in front of her, closer than he ever stood. He looked at her angrily. "Say that again?" He was mad. How can she think of killing herself? The thought of her being away from his life was already giving him chills, but the thought of never to see her face again snapped him. "How can you ever think of a suicide? I am sure somebody must have walked in to you when you were thinking of this, otherwise you would have already executed your plan." His was so mad at her that he didn't realized that it was scaring her. Whenever he took one step forward, she took a step back.

"Yes, and that's because you never told me the truth." Caroline stated. She didn't wanted to look weak.

"So you wanted to burn yourself? Do you have any idea if…" he stopped in the middle as he couldn't say the word dead in the same sentence which included even her name. Caroline tried to take another step back but he grabbed her arms with both his hands. He was so strong that he almost pinned and glued her on her position. "What if I would have lost you? What if the next day I would have gotten the new about this? Caroline Forbes, do you have any idea what it would have done to me?" he said sharply, shaking her with his each word. Caroline wanted to speak but he wasn't finished yet. "You said, that you were having nightmares which were haunting you for the past few days because of me, but what about the millions of haunted visions which you just gave me right now by saying that you didn't have the strength to live the life." They were inches away. If anyone of them moved, their lips would have touched, but they were standing looking at each other. "Never… Ever…. Say… that you don't want to live, because you will have to live for me. I have lost you so many times because of me being the jerk, I am not letting that happen again, even if the damn fate wants that, I will bend that road which leads to the present or future where you are not here with me." Stefan said softly leaving his sharp tone he used before.

"I know we are friends, and you have these promises to keep, one to me and one to my mother, and you will feel guilty if you couldn't. But, you can't just be here for me every time, Stefan. I almost tricked you in having sex with me." She said looking down embarrassed on the things happened between them when he didn't felt anything. Stefan laughed sharply at her. _Does she not even listening to what I am saying?_ He thought. His anger was out of this world now.

"You think I would have done something like that, if I didn't wanted to? Caroline, the person who should feel guilty about taking advantage…. is me and not you. I was the one who kissed you both the times and…" He brought Caroline a little closer to himself, and whispered the words right near her lips, as if they were brushing each other. ""And I know I am being selfish but…. I want these lips to be kissed only by me for the rest of this eternal life." And then he kissed her passionately.

All this time Stefan couldn't get any idea or words for telling her how he feels, or what tag he should give to his feelings for her, the only person whom he consulted in these past few years was his best friend, his best girl. So, without her he felt helpless in realizing things. And this time too, she was the only one who brought out the truth out of nowhere from his heart and he just said it.

After a long moment which felt like seconds to them, they broke apart. Caroline didn't said anything. She was too scared for this to be her imagination, but today Stefan was surer than ever what he wanted.

"One of us should probably say something." Stefan said remembering their first kiss. This made Caroline a laugh. She had tears of joy in her eyes.

"Go for it." Caroline said and they both just stood their smiling at each other.

"Although I do wanted to ask one thing." Asked Caroline all of a sudden. Stefan just nodded for her to go on while he was too busy brushing her hair with his fingers.

"Where were you taking me right now?" asked Caroline

"Uh…. It was a surprise… which you ruined so… let's just forget about it." He told her. This was his way of playing with her. He knew her too much and so he knew she doesn't like any secrets between them.

"How can I forget now when you gave it the name of the surprise? I have all the rights to see how did you planned to win me back." She told him challengingly and this made him laugh that she figured it out that he was planning to win her back.

"Well, I will take you, but you have to stop distracting me now." He said and started kissing her again.


End file.
